Sweet Anne

Tonight I am just a mom.  Thinking about my little girl, all grown up and all too soon.  She's 21, down to one last semester of college then - poof - gone.  Her dreams are HUGE, ribbon-candy bright and sweet .. and sharp on the tongue.  God, she is so STRONG.  How did this amazing woman I see before me start out as a tiny little fertilized egg??  It defies comprehension despite it being a cosmic magic trick I see performed over and over.  I feel these babies hot and wet and squirming.  They emerge in an instant and fill up all the space in the room, all the whole world of their parents.  I remember, each time, the moment of meeting my own first-born child -- her little four pound self emerging through the surgical incision white-knuckling it, holding on so tightly to the lifeline of her umbilical cord - literally.  The immense, almost unbearable sense of responsibility.  Gazing into the gray-brown (now GREEN!) eyes peering so intently from that miniscule face.  I could almost hear her unspoken question:  "So, NOW what are you going to do for me?  Here I am!"  I have to say, I still don't know the answer from day to day, and muddle through the best I can, always wondering if I'm doing ENOUGH.  Loving enough, cuddling enough, protecting (God, protecting!) enough.  Supporting while letting go ... enough.

Last evening I had the enormous privilege of attending a dramatic performance at her university.  It represents her senior honors thesis.  She arrived at the concept, and created this entire project out of her own incredible mind.  She gathered a group of talented students to function as grist for her mill.  Auditions, casting, lighting, set design, costume design, music, choreography, makeup, advertising; she wore many hats (one of her favorite words, but that's an inside story).  Her sleep suffered, but not her drive.  Anne doesn't do anything less than 100%.  It showed.

Anyone who knows me at all knows my love for my precious daughter is endless.  The best thing I can say about my relationship with her is that I am honored to count myself among her friends.  She is so much more than I ever could have dreamed of - loving, loyal, compassionate, hilarious, artistic, so so beautiful inside and out.  She will finish college, and she will either go back to London to study for another year; or to New York City.  She will train and study and exercise and pound the pavement for auditions.  She will be a "voice" for the deaf through sign language.  She will paint.  She will dance and sing and shout and cry.  Her heart will be broken, and it will mend.  And it will be broken again.  And her mother will miss the smell of her hair, the softness of her cheek, the complete genuine-ness that is Anne. 

We are getting tattoos, my girl and me, before she goes to live far, far away.  One of our favorite verses, linking us yet again.  She's designing them, of course.  I got to pick the placement.  No hesitation, there.  I will see her love for me written in my skin on the inside of my left forearm, just above (or below, depends how you hold your arm) the wrist.  Why?  It's so easy.  So I will see it every time I gown and glove ... to deliver a baby.

Comments

[Shelli Becken]

Wow.

[Brook]

Dear, Dear Sally,

Being so many miles apart from you and your family for so many years, I've missed much of Anne's life. What I will always remember is meeting her for the very first time. There you were with baby Anne at the St. Louis Airport. A total shock to me because at a little over a year, she already looked JUST like you."No, she looks like Tom's sister" you said. "NO, she looks like you! I think you have reproduced YOURSELF!" I said, pushy as usual. The difference being - between the 2 of you (besides age) - was you, of course, were frazzled and worried that you were late which you weren't and Anne was totally calm, resting on your hip just taking it all in, knowing all was right in the World as long as she was with you. Anyway, I couldn't get over how I just knew the 2 of you were not the same person, but the same person. When you the 2 of you attended my second wedding 9 years ago, I had exactly the same feeling. Wow. They are linked souls (still as beautiful as ever). Reading your tribute to Anne and all her incredible talents and qualities proves it - you 2 ARE different people, but you aren't. In so many critical ways, you are a reflection of each other. Especially in terms of strength. I think she was raised by a woman who conveyed to her a way to really LIVE IT BIG. How lucky to for her that YOU were and are that woman. Bravo to both of you.

[Tim]

Sally,
Congratulations on raising such a fine person. Thanks for sharing such intimate feelings. You are a special mom, and an awesome writer!